Its interesting when you think about the person you are and think back on how you became that person. The way I see myself, I didn't become anything until high school. I was pretty much a quiet little social drone. Then I became an angry punk, a rebel and Davey Havok was pretty much my role model. An intellectual, intelligent musician who spoke on what he believed. There were a myriad of other punk bands that were politically outspoken that I adored partly because of their anger and partly because I agreed with what they were saying. Then I went to college and joined the veggie co-op and moved from angry punk/rebel to being pretty much a hippie kinda feminist, still a rebel but less angry. This time is where I really came to feel the religion I had chosen for myself. And now I've graduated from college. I'm not sure I'm really a rebel anymore. I love peace, harmony, veggies, animals, and lots of other things but I find myself worried less about the needing to change the world. I want this world to be a better place once I've left it, and that will never change but I find myself worried more about making my own life. I'm engaged, half living in my fiancee's shitty apt that will never ever ever be clean and half at my parents house where I am still treated like a child. I find myself rebeling in small ways (I thought I was out of that phase of my life) like keeping my parents out of the loop on my health (except when everyone tells me 'you need to tell your parents about this'). I'm still very much a feminist in the sense that I refuse to wear slutty clothes to work just so drunk males in thier 30s and 40s can look at my tits and ass and tip me better cause its all out there for them to see. NO. They will tip me because I am good at my job. I bring them their drinks quickly and smile and check and see if they need more often. I was talking to a friend of mine about this local band that has this chick singer who wears pretty much nothing. And that annoys me because they do well and we all know they do well because shes up there singing with almost no clothes on. And I can't stand that society perpetuates this. And I can't stand that females allow it to be perpetuated. I understand sex = attention and attention = YAY. But really now. This next thing I say will sound terrible and I hope no one takes offense. It seems to me that only the "ugly" girls feel this way. By ugly I mean the quiet ones, the bookish ones, the fat ones, the unsporty klutzy ones. And you have to be stupid to be pretty. I am one of the "ugly" girls who recognizes she is attractive but who chooses not to wear "cute clothes" because I do not want to be seen for my body (and it is too much of a damn waste of my time to try and make myself up cute). I have had men blatantly stare at my chest and ass while at work and could do little aside from walk away (while wanting to hit him repeatedly in the face with my tray) while wearing my "bar clothes" and the more I work there the more I just don't want to even try to look cute but its part of the ambiance of the place. Big dudes at the door cute skinny chicks at the bar and running around to get your drinks. I have become a decoration?!!!!! And my only reason for all of this degradation....I can pay for my car, I needed another job. And I find myself disgusted with myself.....I really feel like I have gone the completely wrong way and demolished my own moral code of conduct. OK slightly dramatic right there but I've really pissed myself off with this rant which really wasn't the intent of the post but I followed my thought process to its conclusion. The intent was to plug this video of a singer I really like doing a spoken word poem that made me think about my own origins. Here it is.
Standing in the Light
19 hours ago