Saturday, June 13, 2009

I got to make strawberry jelly!!!

My boy was flabbergasted that I had never gone strawberry picking. I had told him we had strawberries in my garden when I was little but I don't really rememeber it. Last week he says to me the strawberry field near my house is open lets go pick strawberries. I thought it was really sweet that he took me cause he is rather sensitive to the sun and hates bugs.

There is something so perfect about a strawberry eaten just after picking. They are warm from the sun and so wonderfully sweet, nothing beats it in the fruit world.

We picked a whole quart of strawberries. All of which I got to take home (minus the ones we ate while at his house). I made jelly out of some and its soooo tasty, although a bit runny (ok I helped make). And on Monday or Sunday night I'm going to make a pie that alot of the rest will go on top of. Oh yeah and for the record frozen strawberries in leu of ice is AMAZING and I love whoever thought of the idea.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Great Art of Loving and Accepting Ones Self

Lots of personal/potentially akward stuffs in this one. Read at your own peril!!!

I am wierd. I don't follow mainstream logic in many ways. I don't think there is anything wrong with my body (true I'm not happy that my boobs are a bit more dangly but that isn't wrong, that my dears is nature). I am a Masochist/submissive. I've been told I act more confident after my boy indulges me in a "beating". Now and then I like to be treated like a little girl again. I still love to color. I think vultures and oppossums are cute. I belive in magic and the divine presence of a good and loving Goddess who is also amazingly badass as well as a strong and caring God who loves you even if you do bad stuff. I don't eat meat. I am not "normal". Many would label me wierd, freak, crazy, sick etc. And guess what. I'm pretty cool with that.

It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point. I am only now seeing myself as maybe pretty. As a child I thought I was ugly and gross. I had zero confidence in myself or anything I did. Now, I'm still shy but not nearly as shy as I once was. I would like to think I have more confidence in myself and i think others would agree with me. As I discovered my masochist nature I struggled a great deal with thinking I was one sick puppy. But then it dawned on me, no one was getting hurt but me if I was getting "beat" on and I was enjoying it so it couldn't really be thought of as being hurt, could it? At that point I decided I wouldn't question myself nearly as much about the things I liked.

A very good friend of mine told me I was Sick the other day because I'm a masochist. Though what I heard was HOLY CRAP WHATS WRONG WITH YOU. I understand that I suprised him and maybe I shouldn't have just dropped it on him like that but he was curious why I had not been sitting right (i got my ass "beat on" it was great, hurt like the dickens but I loved it). Despite all these things It hurt a whole lot to hear that from him, one of my best friends who I have known for 8 years. Another friend of mine who just cannot grasp the mentality of being a masochist and submissive told me he was worried about me. I began to worry that maybe I was really fucked up. I had a few chats with people and it comforted me a great deal to know that I am not the only person who at times wonders if they are a little on the messed up side. I was also told that I am not sick by a few friends who have more of an understanding of these things. I had realized I had fallen off the I love myself wagon when I began trying to justify my own actions to myself. Questioning yourself isn't a bad thing, we can even grow from it, but teling yourself you're a freak for doing something and then continuing to do it just isn't helpful. It leaves you feeling ashamed and embarrassed if anyone ever finds out about your secret. And then embarrassed that you have this secret at all. its a horrible circle.

I find it so frustrating that we spend our whole lives working on self love. Where has the human race gone wrong that we have to work so hard to love ourselves? Look at those things in your life and ask who is being hurt by them? If its just you being hurt (and your not like me and are enjoying said hurt) change it. It will be difficult at first. But know, there are so many others out there who have similar problems and really no matter how alone you feel in this one problem. You are not alone. If there is no one being hurt by it, accept this as part of yourself. Understand that you might be wierd for liking it but since no one is hurt by it, who cares. You can't love what you think is wierd and fucked up.

I am wierd, a freak, sick, and maybe a little crazy. I know this and love myself for it.

Friday, June 5, 2009

This needed its own post

The last post, yeah, the one I just wrote is why I started this whole bit of silliness in my life. It was supposed to be a journey of self discovery and a place where I can put my ideas into coherent form and a place to remind myself and other of thier own sacredness. I am glad to see that I have somehow brought it back to that, and really without too much effort. I got lost somewhere along the way but I think I have things back on track.

Brightest blessings and a lovely full moon (almost) to light your way

health care that really works?

I just watched an interestng movie. Sicko by Michael Moore about universal health care systems. As a graduate of college and currently unemployed I thank my lucky Divinely given stars that I am still eligible to be under my father's health insurance. At least until I get a job. This was one of the numerous things that plagued my waking hours while in my last year of college. My mother kept telling me I HAD to have health insurance. Of course, I knew this because I have 4 medications that I am currently on. 3 of which I take on a daily basis. But how was I going to pay for health insurance??? I didn't (and still don't) have a job I have to go to on a daily basis. My boy doesn't have health insurance and it is more or less understood if he gets sick enough that he must go to a hospital hes pretty much dead at this point, because there is no way he could pay for it himself.

Think about it. Really think. How nice would it be to walk into any hospital and get the care you need? Any tests or treatments a doctor thinks would benefit you, wouldn't that be nice? Yes, eventually you do pay for it. Its not really free. It is part of the tax money you pay every year.

We Americans have this intense dislike of parting with our money, even if it is to pave the roads we drive on and pay the cops, firefighters, and teachers we would very much like to keep around. I will admit I am guilty of this too (and will try to remind myself of this post next February). But I honestly think that the biggest problem we have with universal health care paid for by our tax dollars is that we are paying to help others get better too. In our society we are taught to value the individual, our own self and to hell with everyone else. Now yes, I do like being my own person and all that jazz BUT we are a herd species just like the deer, horse, and dog. We live in villages and cities. It all boils down to community and lack of it in the United States and our need for instant gratification. We don't want to help those less fortunate we want to go buy the biggest baddest TV we can find for our own enjoyment. Too much instant gratification.

Me, I wouldn't mind spotting my fellow human a few bucks to help with thier health care. I am haunted by a day when I was out with my friends and a man, obviously in desperate need of help on a cold night to get his sick child home needed help with gas money. I knew that I had the most money in our little group. My under the table job had just paid me and I had money in my wallet. But I, a "poor" college student (I actually was worried about my finances all the time) refused to help him. I should have helped him. If we had a better system in place such a thing would never have needed to happen. True, there are too many people in this world but once they are here they deserve to live thier lives too the fullest

How many times have you heard someone trying to pass some law that would make health care affordable? Yes, things would have to be worked out, all the bugs worked out, but I think it is a very do-able system. My one fear would be that the government would be able to cut funding for it like it has with the police and firefighters and teachers which cause there to be fewer of them. Of all things why kill our infrastructure like that? But I digress. HIllary Clinton was working on universal health care for a time but in the end gave up on it because of the negative propaganda that was circulating.

Personally, I would love to have universal health care even with the increase in taxes.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

We are always changing

I keep having grand ideas for a post and then by the time I get to my computer I forget them. Isn't it the way of things. I thought since I've graduated and all I would do another one of those lists about myself, but I can't seem to find it here so maybe I haven't done one yet on this blog. Either way, here goes 20 things that make up me.

1. Graduate
2. Student (I am always learning)
3. Priestess
4. human
5. female
6. pet owner
7. daughter
8. Sibling
9. girlfriend
10. friend
11. book worm
12. masochist (TMI I know)
13. submissive
14. happy
15. not stressed
16. employed (though it won't pay the bills so I'm looking for more work)
17. Pagan
18. vegetarian
19. pack rat
20. trying to be mindful (which by the way is super hard)

I think its funny how I almost forgot things like being a veggie because they are so much apart of me. I am still looking for that other list I know I made to see what the differences are because I know there are some. Alas, I am disorganized. And now it is my bed time. Brightest Blessings and good journey to you all.

Oh! and to my friend moving to Mass. See ya for the solstice.