Tuesday, December 29, 2009

2009 at its end

This year has for the most part sucked. It has been a year of transition and therefore by my very definition must suck. I hate change, but cannot sit in one place and I know this. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

This year I have dealt on numerous occasions with depression each one seemed worse then the last, starting when I was in school and the last ending only last month(honestly, I probably wouldn't have any friends at all if my fiance didn't more or less instruct me to go hang out when invited to do so because at the time I just couldn't care.....about anything), I have graduated from school, watched all my plans fall into ruins and still feel lost. I haven't posted anything because there was nothing new to post except for a worsening feeling of wandering in the black woods.

I see children and find myself wishing they would never grow up. And that sounds terrible! And it's not that I want them to die as children, Gods know thats not what I mean. But I miss being a child. I wish I wasn't an adult, with every ounce of my being. I certainly don't feel like an adult. I wish for every child I see that they stay happy and care free and all that awesome stuff that kids have and feel that gets stolen from us secretly and quietly as the world makes us grow up. But apparently while I wasn't looking and was having fun playing at grown up, the world stole away my kiddie-hood and I actually am a grown up. All I can say is what the fuck?!!

I'm engaged to a wonderful man, I've graduated college and am paying most of my bills all by myself (thanks mom and dad) and as lost and terrified as I feel most of the time I have hope. I have wonderful people around me who as much as I try and keep hidden my thoughts, fears, frustrations, and tears know me well enough to be patient with me and know me well enough to kick me in the butt when I need it....even while I'm kicking and screaming that I don't need it. Bear with me my Darlings I've never shown my feelings to people easily. I know I'm easy to read but it has never been easy to share what everyone sees in my face.

With Hope I watch for the New Year
Brightest Blessings and a Wonderful Next Year for you all