Tuesday, December 29, 2009

2009 at its end

This year has for the most part sucked. It has been a year of transition and therefore by my very definition must suck. I hate change, but cannot sit in one place and I know this. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

This year I have dealt on numerous occasions with depression each one seemed worse then the last, starting when I was in school and the last ending only last month(honestly, I probably wouldn't have any friends at all if my fiance didn't more or less instruct me to go hang out when invited to do so because at the time I just couldn't care.....about anything), I have graduated from school, watched all my plans fall into ruins and still feel lost. I haven't posted anything because there was nothing new to post except for a worsening feeling of wandering in the black woods.

I see children and find myself wishing they would never grow up. And that sounds terrible! And it's not that I want them to die as children, Gods know thats not what I mean. But I miss being a child. I wish I wasn't an adult, with every ounce of my being. I certainly don't feel like an adult. I wish for every child I see that they stay happy and care free and all that awesome stuff that kids have and feel that gets stolen from us secretly and quietly as the world makes us grow up. But apparently while I wasn't looking and was having fun playing at grown up, the world stole away my kiddie-hood and I actually am a grown up. All I can say is what the fuck?!!

I'm engaged to a wonderful man, I've graduated college and am paying most of my bills all by myself (thanks mom and dad) and as lost and terrified as I feel most of the time I have hope. I have wonderful people around me who as much as I try and keep hidden my thoughts, fears, frustrations, and tears know me well enough to be patient with me and know me well enough to kick me in the butt when I need it....even while I'm kicking and screaming that I don't need it. Bear with me my Darlings I've never shown my feelings to people easily. I know I'm easy to read but it has never been easy to share what everyone sees in my face.

With Hope I watch for the New Year
Brightest Blessings and a Wonderful Next Year for you all

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

childhood favorites

Every vegetarian has those foods that as a child mom didn't have to worry they wouldn't eat. Usually it has meat in it. And as a vegetarian you slave over ideas of how to make those beloved foods into something that you can again eat and enjoy and love all over again. One of those foods for me was Ham and corn quiche. Mom used to make this all the time and I loved it and would eat it all up and clean my plate of every crumb of filling and crust. Why I love it I really don't know because I am very picky about my eggs and have yet to find another quiche that I can eat without gagging because of the rediculously egg-y taste. I love eggs as long as I can't taste that grossy egg-y texture/taste thing. I will eat the fuck out of an omlete and scrambled eggs and poached eggs but if they are in a food and that food tastes egg-y I'm gonna gag and its not going to be pretty. Honestly, I think it has something to do with the amount of corn in it (the reason I like the quiche). Cause I love corn (I'm begining to realize this). Instead of putting real ham I just used fake ham. I am not usually one to use the fake meats unless it is absolutely necessary but I was pawing through my mom's recipe books (there are a million of them I swear) and we were talking about how to divide up her current official cookbook because its bursting at the seams and she has to rubberband it closed and she made a comment about that recipe and how she could take it out cause we never eat it anymore and I went holy crap! I want to vegetize it!!! It was soooo good!

I must admit I was rather pleased with the way it came out. It had an interesting sweet taste around the "ham" and cheese at the bottom but I really don't remember what it tasted like originally so I cannot really compare. It was so simple to make that I will probably make it again at some point though I doubt anyone aside from me and my mom (who is open to new culinary experiences) will eat it. I can understand why mom made it so often when I was a baby.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to vegetize mom's chicken a la king recipe. Currently I just eat it without the chicken so its basically veggies in a cream sauce....still good but lacking a certain something (yeah chicken I know)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Things to be excited about super dork edition

Things have been a little hectic around here. I'm working 2 jobs and on the weekends they come right next to eachother with enough time to shower and let my hair air dry. I'm thinking about investing in a hair dryer. I stopped using one after I decided that it was too damaging to my hair, but then again my hair is just crazy and coarse anyways so it may be time to rethink. Good news: I'm actually making money and not just staying afloat. Now that I'm not worried about every dollar I spend and focused on just finding another job so I'm not bleeding my account dry I can focus on the all important task of finding an actual job. I have until the end of the year to find a job with health benefits (cause I need them) so still a bit of a deadline but hey we always work better with deadlines right? At least I do. However I have this problem with the weather. There are so many who say they feel energized by fall. Yes, its very pretty but fuck man its cold. Me on the other hand, when it gets cold I move slowly. The colder it is the slower I tend to move which is why it takes me a full hour more to finish one job which will in the end be a hugeass problem when I need to get to my other job. Oh the frustration this will cause. But really I do love this season. This season is Halloween to me and I am super excited about halloween this year because I have time to carve pumpkins! And I plan to carpet my fiancee's porch in carved pumpkins and take all the seeds and cook them. I have a few recipes I want to try with them but mostly I have no idea what to do with that many damn pumpkin seeds. But I am a stubborn sort and WILL cook them and eat them (and maybe force some on my poor friends and family). Any recipe/ways to cook them you like and think I might like? I'm also intending on making pumpkin pie with the bits of pumkin I cut out of the pumpkins while carving. Which honestly doesn't make alot of sense to me because I'm not really a big fan of pumpkin flavored foods but I have a need to not waste anything, if I can help it. I'm also looking foreward to Thanksgiving, which confuses me a little. I find the more I grow up, the more I look foreward to family oriented things (aka subjecting ones self to people that drive you flipping crazy and you need to take a vacation afterwards just to relax from your vacation with them, or if you're me, get your loving Master to beat the tar out of you......go figure) But this time 2 years ago I got the awesomest recipe ever and everyone who has tried it really likes it. I was really happy last....no....2 thanksgivings ago when i made it and I had veggie food that everyone was willing to eat that wasn't stuffing and potatoes and pumpkin pie. I'm planning on making it a normal staple in the Thanksgiving feast of my family.....and maybe my fiancee's too if I go over there for thanksgiving again this year. I am continually amazed that I am growing up and yet still very much a child in adults clothes.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

A rant on social stupidity

Its interesting when you think about the person you are and think back on how you became that person. The way I see myself, I didn't become anything until high school. I was pretty much a quiet little social drone. Then I became an angry punk, a rebel and Davey Havok was pretty much my role model. An intellectual, intelligent musician who spoke on what he believed. There were a myriad of other punk bands that were politically outspoken that I adored partly because of their anger and partly because I agreed with what they were saying. Then I went to college and joined the veggie co-op and moved from angry punk/rebel to being pretty much a hippie kinda feminist, still a rebel but less angry. This time is where I really came to feel the religion I had chosen for myself. And now I've graduated from college. I'm not sure I'm really a rebel anymore. I love peace, harmony, veggies, animals, and lots of other things but I find myself worried less about the needing to change the world. I want this world to be a better place once I've left it, and that will never change but I find myself worried more about making my own life. I'm engaged, half living in my fiancee's shitty apt that will never ever ever be clean and half at my parents house where I am still treated like a child. I find myself rebeling in small ways (I thought I was out of that phase of my life) like keeping my parents out of the loop on my health (except when everyone tells me 'you need to tell your parents about this'). I'm still very much a feminist in the sense that I refuse to wear slutty clothes to work just so drunk males in thier 30s and 40s can look at my tits and ass and tip me better cause its all out there for them to see. NO. They will tip me because I am good at my job. I bring them their drinks quickly and smile and check and see if they need more often. I was talking to a friend of mine about this local band that has this chick singer who wears pretty much nothing. And that annoys me because they do well and we all know they do well because shes up there singing with almost no clothes on. And I can't stand that society perpetuates this. And I can't stand that females allow it to be perpetuated. I understand sex = attention and attention = YAY. But really now. This next thing I say will sound terrible and I hope no one takes offense. It seems to me that only the "ugly" girls feel this way. By ugly I mean the quiet ones, the bookish ones, the fat ones, the unsporty klutzy ones. And you have to be stupid to be pretty. I am one of the "ugly" girls who recognizes she is attractive but who chooses not to wear "cute clothes" because I do not want to be seen for my body (and it is too much of a damn waste of my time to try and make myself up cute). I have had men blatantly stare at my chest and ass while at work and could do little aside from walk away (while wanting to hit him repeatedly in the face with my tray) while wearing my "bar clothes" and the more I work there the more I just don't want to even try to look cute but its part of the ambiance of the place. Big dudes at the door cute skinny chicks at the bar and running around to get your drinks. I have become a decoration?!!!!! And my only reason for all of this degradation....I can pay for my car, I needed another job. And I find myself disgusted with myself.....I really feel like I have gone the completely wrong way and demolished my own moral code of conduct. OK slightly dramatic right there but I've really pissed myself off with this rant which really wasn't the intent of the post but I followed my thought process to its conclusion. The intent was to plug this video of a singer I really like doing a spoken word poem that made me think about my own origins. Here it is.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bad Pagan yet again

So I just realized it is the equinox.....oops. I realize this as I am sipping the world's best cider (in my opinion at least). Well, I was planning to take a walk today anyways. Anyways Happy Equinox, do something nature-y today.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Searching for my muse

I haven't written on here in some time. I've been terribly uninspired for awhile. I'm done with school and am at a loss for what to do now. Find a job (well obviously) sounds like such a simple thing. But with the way the economy is around here there isn't a whole lot around. Its gotten to the point where I just can't even make myself look for jobs anymore. I can't get my butt in gear to get anything done really. And part of it is I just don't care. That sounds terrible but there it is. somehow none of it seems important to me. It took me about a week to send out a school book someone bought from me, all the while it sat on my bed with the address yelling send me already!!!! I feel like for as long as I can remember I've been going down this river and as I got closer to the end of college the river moved faster and faster and faster until I was flung off the cliff and over the waterfall and now I'm caught in all the little currents going this way and that way and just floating around in circles. I know that the only way to get down to the next river is to swim and push through the currents but then here comes the I don't really care part. And maybe its not that I don't care, because I do care it frustrates me that I am living back at my parents house (when I'm not at my fiancee's house) with an almost job that doesn't even bring in $200 a month (if they actually get around to paying me). I am still awed by the idea that I don't have to go to school at the end of this month and it confuses me and I keep saying to myself well what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Maybe I'm just still disoriented from falling down the waterfall. I'm thinking about hitting up the local pagan shop for some greatly needed tarot consulting from a professional becasue as suspicious as I am of people who aren't me or my friends with our respective decks, I know that the lady who runs the place wouldn't fuck us all (her loving customers) over for some money. And I need a big cosmic neon arrow to point me in the direction I should go. Preferably one that points directly to the place (with no doubt that thats the one they mean) that would suit me well as thier newest employee.

On a lighter note, I went to see my grandma and we had a pretty nice time. We were civil, she liked my engagement ring, she let me have a cutting of her christmas cactus for me to take home I just have to pot it. All in all a pretty good visit (and that is saying something).

Well, hope everyone is doing well. Brightest blessings and great big hugs.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Evening walks to clear the mind work wonders

So there has been lots of things going on. Lots of changes and craziness and lack of anything important in my head to write about. Well, more like at a total loss for anything to write about. I started a couple of posts only to delete the whole thing in the middle of writing and then stare at the screen dumbly. I figured today was a good day to post because my usual sunday posts are fairly easy. Pull card and write (I've been needing to consult the cards anyway)

The Page of Shields. A tenacious reliable person. One who resists any distractions when in pursuit of a goal. A serious scholar with great self discipline. A hunger for knowlege. A dedicated student. One who exhibits a keen buisness sense. An honourable, courageous person who does his or her best to help others. A messenger with good news (a job pretty please??!!!!)

well....it sounds like good things are in store though I'm not really sure who/what the cards are pointing to currently.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I got to make strawberry jelly!!!

My boy was flabbergasted that I had never gone strawberry picking. I had told him we had strawberries in my garden when I was little but I don't really rememeber it. Last week he says to me the strawberry field near my house is open lets go pick strawberries. I thought it was really sweet that he took me cause he is rather sensitive to the sun and hates bugs.

There is something so perfect about a strawberry eaten just after picking. They are warm from the sun and so wonderfully sweet, nothing beats it in the fruit world.

We picked a whole quart of strawberries. All of which I got to take home (minus the ones we ate while at his house). I made jelly out of some and its soooo tasty, although a bit runny (ok I helped make). And on Monday or Sunday night I'm going to make a pie that alot of the rest will go on top of. Oh yeah and for the record frozen strawberries in leu of ice is AMAZING and I love whoever thought of the idea.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Great Art of Loving and Accepting Ones Self

Lots of personal/potentially akward stuffs in this one. Read at your own peril!!!

I am wierd. I don't follow mainstream logic in many ways. I don't think there is anything wrong with my body (true I'm not happy that my boobs are a bit more dangly but that isn't wrong, that my dears is nature). I am a Masochist/submissive. I've been told I act more confident after my boy indulges me in a "beating". Now and then I like to be treated like a little girl again. I still love to color. I think vultures and oppossums are cute. I belive in magic and the divine presence of a good and loving Goddess who is also amazingly badass as well as a strong and caring God who loves you even if you do bad stuff. I don't eat meat. I am not "normal". Many would label me wierd, freak, crazy, sick etc. And guess what. I'm pretty cool with that.

It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point. I am only now seeing myself as maybe pretty. As a child I thought I was ugly and gross. I had zero confidence in myself or anything I did. Now, I'm still shy but not nearly as shy as I once was. I would like to think I have more confidence in myself and i think others would agree with me. As I discovered my masochist nature I struggled a great deal with thinking I was one sick puppy. But then it dawned on me, no one was getting hurt but me if I was getting "beat" on and I was enjoying it so it couldn't really be thought of as being hurt, could it? At that point I decided I wouldn't question myself nearly as much about the things I liked.

A very good friend of mine told me I was Sick the other day because I'm a masochist. Though what I heard was HOLY CRAP WHATS WRONG WITH YOU. I understand that I suprised him and maybe I shouldn't have just dropped it on him like that but he was curious why I had not been sitting right (i got my ass "beat on" it was great, hurt like the dickens but I loved it). Despite all these things It hurt a whole lot to hear that from him, one of my best friends who I have known for 8 years. Another friend of mine who just cannot grasp the mentality of being a masochist and submissive told me he was worried about me. I began to worry that maybe I was really fucked up. I had a few chats with people and it comforted me a great deal to know that I am not the only person who at times wonders if they are a little on the messed up side. I was also told that I am not sick by a few friends who have more of an understanding of these things. I had realized I had fallen off the I love myself wagon when I began trying to justify my own actions to myself. Questioning yourself isn't a bad thing, we can even grow from it, but teling yourself you're a freak for doing something and then continuing to do it just isn't helpful. It leaves you feeling ashamed and embarrassed if anyone ever finds out about your secret. And then embarrassed that you have this secret at all. its a horrible circle.

I find it so frustrating that we spend our whole lives working on self love. Where has the human race gone wrong that we have to work so hard to love ourselves? Look at those things in your life and ask who is being hurt by them? If its just you being hurt (and your not like me and are enjoying said hurt) change it. It will be difficult at first. But know, there are so many others out there who have similar problems and really no matter how alone you feel in this one problem. You are not alone. If there is no one being hurt by it, accept this as part of yourself. Understand that you might be wierd for liking it but since no one is hurt by it, who cares. You can't love what you think is wierd and fucked up.

I am wierd, a freak, sick, and maybe a little crazy. I know this and love myself for it.

Friday, June 5, 2009

This needed its own post

The last post, yeah, the one I just wrote is why I started this whole bit of silliness in my life. It was supposed to be a journey of self discovery and a place where I can put my ideas into coherent form and a place to remind myself and other of thier own sacredness. I am glad to see that I have somehow brought it back to that, and really without too much effort. I got lost somewhere along the way but I think I have things back on track.

Brightest blessings and a lovely full moon (almost) to light your way

health care that really works?

I just watched an interestng movie. Sicko by Michael Moore about universal health care systems. As a graduate of college and currently unemployed I thank my lucky Divinely given stars that I am still eligible to be under my father's health insurance. At least until I get a job. This was one of the numerous things that plagued my waking hours while in my last year of college. My mother kept telling me I HAD to have health insurance. Of course, I knew this because I have 4 medications that I am currently on. 3 of which I take on a daily basis. But how was I going to pay for health insurance??? I didn't (and still don't) have a job I have to go to on a daily basis. My boy doesn't have health insurance and it is more or less understood if he gets sick enough that he must go to a hospital hes pretty much dead at this point, because there is no way he could pay for it himself.

Think about it. Really think. How nice would it be to walk into any hospital and get the care you need? Any tests or treatments a doctor thinks would benefit you, wouldn't that be nice? Yes, eventually you do pay for it. Its not really free. It is part of the tax money you pay every year.

We Americans have this intense dislike of parting with our money, even if it is to pave the roads we drive on and pay the cops, firefighters, and teachers we would very much like to keep around. I will admit I am guilty of this too (and will try to remind myself of this post next February). But I honestly think that the biggest problem we have with universal health care paid for by our tax dollars is that we are paying to help others get better too. In our society we are taught to value the individual, our own self and to hell with everyone else. Now yes, I do like being my own person and all that jazz BUT we are a herd species just like the deer, horse, and dog. We live in villages and cities. It all boils down to community and lack of it in the United States and our need for instant gratification. We don't want to help those less fortunate we want to go buy the biggest baddest TV we can find for our own enjoyment. Too much instant gratification.

Me, I wouldn't mind spotting my fellow human a few bucks to help with thier health care. I am haunted by a day when I was out with my friends and a man, obviously in desperate need of help on a cold night to get his sick child home needed help with gas money. I knew that I had the most money in our little group. My under the table job had just paid me and I had money in my wallet. But I, a "poor" college student (I actually was worried about my finances all the time) refused to help him. I should have helped him. If we had a better system in place such a thing would never have needed to happen. True, there are too many people in this world but once they are here they deserve to live thier lives too the fullest

How many times have you heard someone trying to pass some law that would make health care affordable? Yes, things would have to be worked out, all the bugs worked out, but I think it is a very do-able system. My one fear would be that the government would be able to cut funding for it like it has with the police and firefighters and teachers which cause there to be fewer of them. Of all things why kill our infrastructure like that? But I digress. HIllary Clinton was working on universal health care for a time but in the end gave up on it because of the negative propaganda that was circulating.

Personally, I would love to have universal health care even with the increase in taxes.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

We are always changing

I keep having grand ideas for a post and then by the time I get to my computer I forget them. Isn't it the way of things. I thought since I've graduated and all I would do another one of those lists about myself, but I can't seem to find it here so maybe I haven't done one yet on this blog. Either way, here goes 20 things that make up me.

1. Graduate
2. Student (I am always learning)
3. Priestess
4. human
5. female
6. pet owner
7. daughter
8. Sibling
9. girlfriend
10. friend
11. book worm
12. masochist (TMI I know)
13. submissive
14. happy
15. not stressed
16. employed (though it won't pay the bills so I'm looking for more work)
17. Pagan
18. vegetarian
19. pack rat
20. trying to be mindful (which by the way is super hard)

I think its funny how I almost forgot things like being a veggie because they are so much apart of me. I am still looking for that other list I know I made to see what the differences are because I know there are some. Alas, I am disorganized. And now it is my bed time. Brightest Blessings and good journey to you all.

Oh! and to my friend moving to Mass. See ya for the solstice.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Hey! im on time for once

The card of the week is.......10 of Spears aka The Green Knight

I don't have my scanner right now so I can't show you a picture of the card but heres the definition/what I'm getting from it.

Feeling tremendous pressure. Encountering an awesome task which tests courage and diplomacy (great, lovely). Fellings out of one's depth. Living under the restrictions of a specific code of conduct (living in the parents house and not having my usually freedoms?). Temporarily suppressing personal desires in order to complete a task (not like I haven't been doing that the whole time I was in school). Playing by the rules of the game. Striving to please others (I fully disapprove of those two but will probably do it anyways). Success through perseverance (I hope so).

So basically the whole living back at home and needing to ask permission to go and do things and maybe whoring myself out looking for a job is what I'm seeing here.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Cooking, cleaning, and plants

Sill working on the moving. I've made room for more of my stuff here in my room and the garage is ready for the cats....more or less. i tried baking yesterday and it came out rather sad. I made a pineapple upside-down spice cake. I thought it might be tasty as long as it didn't taste like bubble gum. And it is tasty however it diden't get baked all the way so the middle is still batter-y much to my frustration. Granted I didn't use a cast iron skillet like the direction said so maybe I should have made some alterations. Goes to show you cooking is a learning process. I also had some pretty nasty heartburm last night right after I ate said culinary experiment. I may not make that again, we shall see.

The funny thng about cleaning my room from one side to the other is I have more stuff that I am recycling then throwing out. I've got this bitty trash basket in my room and I think I have filled it up only once, going on twice now. it just amazes me how much paper stuff is in my room. And change, I can't tell you how much change I have thrown in my puppy bank. Its not a pig so I can't call it a piggy bank, its a little sharpe puppy bank that I've had for as long as I can remember.

In other news I am growing somewhere between 8 and 12 amarylises from seed that are sitting here with my mom's plants (thankfully she likes gardening too) They all came from the same plant but I'm hoping there will be some genetic variation and I'll have pretty amarylises all over (out of the cat's reach) in the winter. I officially killed my blueberry bush, sadly but the orange tree is doing well at mom's office (needed a place to stash it in its new huge pot). Hopefully my other plants at the apartment haven't died, I've been a neglectful mother.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

changing with the times

So I have officially graduated. The Divine saw fit to wait till after graduation for the big rains to come (we had the ceremony outside and got drizzled on). While we were all processing to the milling about area the clouds let loose and we got soaked, but at least it wasn't in the middle of all the diploma giving. The one nice thing about being graduated is that I can now study whatever the heck I want to and its a bit funny because now I'm not sure where to start. I kept saying once I graduate I'm going to learn more about this and this and that and ooo hey thats cool I want to know more about that. I'm going to have to work out a learning schedule or something (holy crap I'm creating a class schdule for myself!!! you can never get away from school). Currently I am moving out of my apartment slowly, I'm sure too slow for my roomate and her new roomate (who is already there amongst my clutter and my cats). I know I keep saying I'm going to get back on the writing wagon and currently without a job I have to go in to work for that might be possible. If the spotty wireless in my house lets me/I don't break down and use the devil computer that hates my guts and destroy the internet connection.
We shall see. Currently my life revolves around cleaning my room in my parents house so I can move my stuff from my apartment into my room. I am very much feeling like I am not getting anything done because I keep moving stuff into places I have cleared out. Its like a cycle of cleaning and rearranging and I'm getting frustrated with it. I really would like to just rent a U-haul and cart the rest of my stuff home and just get all the rearranging and moving and cleaning done with asap. I want to hold a Thank Gods I graduated ritual but I need to have my room clean so I have some free space to work in.
Tomorrow's project is scrubbing my garage floor so my cats can live in it so they don't get eatten by the family dog or irritate my dad's allergies (apparently hes allergic we just discovered this) or walk in stray motor oil or some other harmful thing and clean it off thier paws and end up super sick. I will learn the art of zen scrubbing (ie meditation through motion) which is an idea borrowed from a good friend of mine who does zen mopping. I thought it would be something interesting to work on while scrubbing instead of just letting my mind wander which can be unproductive at times.
hopefully in the coming days I will be able to have a better posting schedule up and implemented.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Make like a tomato and ketchup

ok so things are rather crazy at the moment with graduation 10 days away and me trying to get my stuffs together so I can move out. Lets see here..... news.....I think I killed the blueberry bush (oops), my mother is baby sitting the orange tree and we repotted it and its growing! The primrose died too (I've been neglectful of my plants). I have a job that pertains to my major as a writer for an online newsletter thing. I'm thinking about bringing back "cooking in the Co-op" even if it won't be in the Co-op it will be at my parents house. Other then that....there isn't much to report. I'm going to try super hard to get back into posting daily, but I used to do it in the mornings before class and now I don't have the time for that so I get out of class and study.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Pull a card....any card. Late again I know.

I think I just got a message from the universe to quit bitching. The story from this card is a look beneath the surface and find something wonderful type. Gawain marries this ass-ugly woman and during the marriage everyone is jeering but Gawain (who was forced into the marriage more or less) remains courteous to her throughout the marriage. But when it comes time to consumate the marriage his steadfastness wanes and he mopes in front of his fire trying to figure out how he can not bed this woman. (it seems he and I have both chosen this what seems to be a rather unappetizing option) Once he turns to face her she isn't the ass-ugly woman but the gorgeous Ragnell. This may be a time when I am supposed to find my own meaning in the card because it appears upside down but the meaning in the book makes little sense to me except for the not acknowleging the assistance of others bit (which......I wasn't moments before).

If I could have the opinions of my fellow card readers that would be helpful I think. The full meaning from the book is as follows: shallow spiteful behavior. broken promises. weak character. ignoring old friends. not acknowlegeing the assistance of others. social climber. superficial person who humiliates otheres to boost his or her own self confidence

I feel like I'm going through a growing period with my cards and I am having difficulty making out what they are saying to me, I find myself relying more on the story behind the cards and not the written meaning, which I suppose is how its supposed to be.....but it leaves me rather confused at times.

Monday, April 13, 2009

ok so its a bit late

This weeks tarot card is.....The hermit

Ironically I have only gotten this card once before. This card is all about taking time for ones self to recouperate and become recentered, seeking answers/consulting the wisdom from within ones self.

I have looked at two other bloggers that pull cards at the begining of the week and each of them was about centering ones self and doing what you want to do regardless of how others see you. I'm thinking everyone needs to chill a bit after the Easter weekend and visiting with family. I myself definitely need a bit of a relax/centering period. I am having exams this week and was stressing over that and a few other things most of last week which lead to my distraction and not posting. I am planning on having a bit of me and "my" garden time later this week after exams are over which always makes me feel calm and good when I'm done....and maybe I'll finally just sit down and have time to finish reading Eragon which I have been carrying around and not reading because of lack of time.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Plant Post!!!

well, the dumpster plant died. It was slowly dying all winter and then my roomate's boy came over and stayed for a week and I feel very akward wandering in to water plants with him there so I didn't and it died. Right before spring....is it wierd I feel bad? I'd been telling it to hang in there once spring came id put it outside and it would get all the sun and warm it could want and it died just before spring *facepalm* oh well. I never did get to figure out what those anonymous bulbs were they sprouted leaves and then died/dried up. I'm seeing a little green shoot trying to poke its nose out of the soil so we will see maybe something interesting will happen. all the other plants are still there (blueberry bush is still asleep I am waiting impatiently for it to wake up)and I'll be attempting to grow amarylis seeds again (this time at my parents house so Avi doesn't eat it). Mom got me edamame seeds to grow, I'm kinda excited about that. I'm also going to grow kale that she had laying about in a seed bag. See how that works. Oh yeah! and the bulbs me and my old roomate planted are growing! The hyacinthe are just about to open up and assault us all with thier beautiful smell (I am so excited). I had one crocus bloom with about 5 blossoms, I was impressed. So far no other bulbs have flowered but...I think there is more of them than we planted!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Happy April Fools

The day of my Senior Sem is here (I still don't appreciate the humor of some of my professors) things will be fine and the card I pulled Sunday night reminds me to take a modest amount of pride in the hard work (and it was hard) I have done over this semester. Send me a nice good luck thought around 6:30 when presentations start.

So my latest pagan grand idea is to study the chakras mostly to help me balance myself, we all know I need as much balance as I can find. its going to be rather slow going as I am reading a book about them while waiting for the computer to turn on but I figure I'll absorb knowlege little bit by little bit and that will be better than flooding the brain with knowlege.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

This is a nice idea I would like to see get off the ground


This is a nice idea, if I had the money and they were selling them currently I would totally buy one....and then once I had the money I'd buy another and so forth until I had no room for more of them.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Bit of a format change

Ok so now that I am back and almost done with Senior Sem. My presentation is on April fools day, someone has a sick, sick sense of humor. But I digress. On sundays from now until....I decide to change it. I will be pulling a tarot card from my deck (Legend The Arthurian Tarot) to see what I need to know for the coming week. This week I pulled the 8 of shields. Amusingly enough I was thinking about pulling a card that discussed this subject.

This card is of Wayland the master craftsman God in British mythology, whose weapons were surpassed my no one, working on crafting a shield. This card is all about working hard but taking pleasure from what you are doing. I am going to be optimistic about my employment possibilities this week.

I have been worrying about finding a job (at this point almost any job would do) for it seems like a very long time. Last week I woke up with this calm contentment and knowlege that everything would work out, and though I am again worrying about it that beautiful voice that is somehow mine but completely not at the same time, full of calm and a slight smile keeps telling me things will be ok and I find that I can't work myself up into a good panic about it as easily as I could before. Its so much harder to hit that one thought that sends me sliding down the spiral. This is the first time I will agree with anyone who says that bleeding from ones vagina brings you closer to the universe. For a long time Mother wasn't in my head, my prayer routine fallen to the wayside, I had battened down the hatches and was waiting for the storm to go away. And now, I think the worst of it has passed over and I can enjoy the thunder storm and the life giving spring rains (I will ignore the hail that i drove through today)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

This isn't that hard

I am reading this article the title being Cruel Irony: Do Renewable Power Plants threaten Thier Surrounding Environment. And the answer: Yes. Because you have to take lots and lots of land to make these wind farms and solar farms and such. Now I have no help for the wind farms they are of debatable good in my opinion me. But it seems to me that there would be little difficulty in putting solar panels on top of all the buildings in a city and maybe all the houses. Of course, this would need some study to see if it didn't blind birds or something with reflection (is there reflection? I'll do research on that at some point). I don't see the necessity of using acres and acres of land if we can just put them on top of buildings. Just cover the fuck out of all the building and house tops and well all be just fine. I feel like they keep doing things the hard way.....is it just me?

Here's that article http://www.sciam.com/blog/60-second-science/post.cfm?id=cruel-irony-do-renewable-power-plan-2009-03-25&sc=CAT_ENRG_20090326

P.S. No heart defects!!!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

This is me, reaching back out to the universe

*peeks out of the shell*
Well, there is about a week until the stressful things go away and I give my Senior Seminar presentation and turn in my paper soon after so...things are looking almost like they could get better. Though in all honesty, I'm not sure they will just yet. I've been having health problems galore (all non-life threatening but impressive all the same) my new Doctor is concerned my heart doesn't beat properly so I get to go get a heart ultrasound today and frankly I'm scared. Scared up one side and down the other and ready to cry (not that by now I'm not used to that feeling, me and being on the verge of tears have been best friends for a couple months now).
I read this thing by Susun Weed a few moments ago saying how skin ailments have an emotional component *glares at hands* basically stress = ecxima. Stress....check. excima....check (yeah, again). I'm hoping the boy is right and all this health stupidity will right itself once I'm less stressed out. Now all I have to do is find me something that pays the bills and feeds my cats.

Ok universe, here I am.....please don't do your worst. I am going to work at getting back to daily postings since the cats wake me up really early and I have time to post before class.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Feeling really good, for just this week

Ok, I am on spring break currently so things have been pretty nice. Spent lots of time with the boy, friends from high school (still recovering from that one), did some work in the job hunting, went to see an art museum exhibit on kimonos which was goddamn amazing. Currently life is good. I am thinking about attempting to take up martial arts....again...ish. I talked to my boy's instructor and he assured me we could work around the knee issues easily. His instructor is awesome and made me feel very welcome when i sat in and watched a class, now I just have to get the guts up to join in. The boy keeps saying it will be a good place for me to battle some of my shy issues and he would really like to see me go for it since I want to do it but am a total pansy (I tried to chicken out on going and participating, then I shafted myself out of a car and couldn't go to class anyways) I have no fear of pain, just lots of people I don't know. I decided I want to do this because I need something my brain must focus on as a way to give my brain a break from all the oher things it focuses on, on a daily basis, because I've become rather pathetic and will cry at the least upsetting thing. But I will say it is amazing how just thanking the Gods for the good things you had during the day does definitely help (when I remember to do it). So I leave you with song lyrics from a song I rediscovered amongst my musical collection and my comentary on it. It pretty much sums up my beliefs on life right now.

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument (don't want to go to bed grumpy)
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands (yeah, kinda)
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you (so true)
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do (some do better then others)
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem (damn straight they do)
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone (you have to love yourself)
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned (what goes around comes around)
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned(I imagine its true)
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side (mmmhmm)
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye (so very true)

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality (yup)
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy (I've come to realize the truth of this statement very much, so much less drama when everyone is honest)
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul (I don't give one damn about the skin coverings of a person)
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold (doesnt have to be blood related)
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair (fuck yes it is)
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires (oh yeah)

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness (eh, yes and no)
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed (but the being undressed part is so much fun)
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists (They sure as hell don't)
I believe in love surviving death into eternity (its a nice idea if nothing else)

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Friday, February 20, 2009

time to turn out the lights for awhile

Due to an over abundance of school work I have lost most interest in my own life. I am pretty much too tired to care at this point and so will not even pretend that keeping up this blog is anywhere near my priority list at the moment. Right now my priority list is being a bookmark for a book I'm using for a research project so its always near me. So for the moment I am taking an extended hiatus from writing these blogs (I'll bet you figured that one out though due to my absense anyways). I'll be back when things calm down.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A letter to the universe

Dear Mom n Dad
Thanks a million for me popping out with all 10 toes and fingers and all the proper things a person is supposed to have. I really, really love my hands. Really, they are awesome.
the one who has two working hands again

Yeah, having 2 hands that work suddenly not work is scary and awe inspiring and humbling and frustrating. There is a psychological effect too, I felt....broken or something and it made me really shy and quiet feeling, and I didn't want to go anywhere (technically they were broken...picture blown up rubber gloves instead of hands and you get the idea). I'm not sure I can really explain it. I was a child with an adult's body and mind who knew that it shouldn't work like this. That I shouldn't have to be fed like a baby or someone put my shoes on my feet and buckle me into the car because I had lumps of useless puffy flesh instead of fingers. (I plan to accidentally die from something if I ever actually get into a position where I lose my hands for good) But they work again thanks to the meds the ER doc gave me. It was a bit funny but in my early morning, scared about my hands, just payed $100 copay haze the doc walked in and I immediately had a flash of the twilight movie where Carlisle walks into the room where Bella is getting her head checked out after the almost near death accident....Yeah, I am a total dork but it was all good until he grabbed my thumb to lift my wrist up to his level to check my pulse. That. Hurt. A lot. (at least the nurse was nice enough to come down to my hand's level to check my pulse. Apparently my pulse was rather high when we first got there and the nurse didn't belive me or my boy when we said I have a bit of an anxiety problem) Not that I would have yelped and swatted at the man, I just made an ow face and let him man handle my sausage fingers. What a great way to spend ones 1 year aniversary (and the day after) with your boy. OK but really, its time for bed now.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

its warm!!!!

Because I am sitting here at my parents house so I can borrow the car tomorrow to get the demons vaccinated and have nothing do to currently (not true but I never get work done here) I am going to take a page from my friend's blog and do a describe myself post. I am putting a few constraints on it just because. They will be one word descriptions and they cannot be negative (ie bad at drawing). I'm going to shoot for 25 because it sounds like a good number. Here goes.
1 loyal
2 lover (of so many things)
3 a submissive (ok i realize thats 2 words but saying just submissive wasn't working)
4 hippy
5 vegetarian
6 pagan
7 masochist
8 Older sister (that counts as one word too)
9 adult
10 Child
11 student
12 teacher
13 shy (but getting better)
14 quiet (when I'm not around my friends)
15 book worm
16 friend
17 dreamer
18 scared (its not negative, and its a very big part of me right now)
19 loved
20 Cancer (I have said that in the negative before but today it just describes me)
21 gardener
22 beautiful (so they tell me anyways, today I feel good so I feel beautiful)
23 earth mother (even if I don't want offspring)
24 environmentalist
25 Co-oper

Hey that wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. It got a little tough around the end there but, I really enjoyed that. I think I will do it again someday.

Monday, February 9, 2009

*taps on watch* where did my time go?

So yeah....I've been distracted lately. Was sick last week (and am still getting better). I actually started that experiment...but then I got sick and didn't feel like puting the arnica stuff on. Instead, I slept alot and stared glassy eyed at my computer screen watching movies. When I told my boy we will have to try the experiment again I got a look that said "yeah uh huh....riiiight. Just say bite me and don't use experiment as the excuse". The week before that, well....that was just a bad week and I had mostly lost interest in my own life for a bit. We are trying to not be apathetic, its hard sometimes. So far this week I am feeling pretty good, we shall see how things go. I probably won't post as much as before because I am so very super amazing busy. Oh yeah, and my boy told me I should make posts about my sexlife....(don't worry I won't) but it was a really funny conversation cause we were imagining actual posts and what I would discuss.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A little herbal lore and some TMI

Arnica: good for sprains strains and bruises
You don't really want to be injesting this stuff but it is great for external use. I've been using this arnica salve I bought on some bruises I've aquired through purely consentual ways. My boy and I tend to enjoy a rough tumble in the sac now and (more often than) then and I tend to come out a bit marked up. Sometimes these marks are more obvious (huge purple things on the sides of my neck)then others. I've used the arnica salve on a few just to experiment and they seem to clear up alot quicker. I'm thinking about doing an experiment with 2 bruises where one gets the salve and the other doesn't just to see if it actually works as well as I think it does. The way its supposed to work is that arnica causes the bitty capillaries in the skin to dilate where it has been applied. This allows more blood into the area to carry off the escaped blood in cases of bruising, or more blood into an ouchy area to help it heal faster. It sounds to me like it would work better on bruising then sprains and strains but I haven't tried it yet.....maybe i should try it on my tweaky muscle in my neck to see how it works. I have a tweaky muscle when I move my head in certain ways (depending on my stress level) it tweaks causing a sharp pain to go up my neck and usually makes me make a vocal noise of pain. Nothing is more embarassing then sitting down at a fairly quiet table and as you sit your neck tweaks and you gasp out in pain and they all look up at you.
I'll let you know how the experiment goes.

Monday, January 26, 2009

still working on that new schedule

well, last week was hell and I'm still feeling the ripples off it. Still waiting to see about that positive earth shattering change the cards talked about. I don't exactly know where I stand with a very good friend of mine and I still pretty much want to curl up in bed and not move until things are back to how they should be. Of course, with this change the cards speak of that may never happen, which really is too terrifying a thought to entertain at this point in time because I cannot imagine what this positive change could be and thinking about it only makes the nervousness worse.
I've set up a meeting with the career center lady to help me find a job after school. depending on how intricate and full of stuff to do that process ends up being I might talk about that....not that it will help stave off the panic (the whole reason this blog was created) so maybe not a good idea. I don't have a cooking shift this semester. I'll probably bring back the cooking talk when I get out of here and have a place of my own where I have to cook food because that was alot of fun and I have a million recipes I want to try. If I do the tarot stuff which I'm thinking I will, it will need to be sunday night. We shall see....when I'm not submerged up to my knees in homework. I'm also thinking of buckling down and working on meditation stuff to help ease the nervousness spoken about above, the theory being if I write about it here, I'll actually do it.
On a different note entirely arnica (its an herb) is pretty sweet stuff. I'll talk more on that tomorrow.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Tarot cards, The divine instrument to deliver cosmic 2x4s

To the back of my head.....repeatedly or just one really hard brain jolting, ear ringing, lets not leave our room today for fear of more reprocussions blow to the head.

And now a letter to the universe

Dear Mom and Dad
I know you don't control people's actions.....but really now? Do I need to deal with this shit right now? Couldn't there have been a less stressful time for people to pull stupid shit on me? Some time when people's well meaning "help" won't make me burst into tears cause I'm so stressed and their still well meaning but even less helpful attempts at making me do what they think I should making things worse for me and certain people I care the world about....is this REALLY necessary?
Love always
you're super confused and really unhappy daughter

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


As I was watching the inauguration today this quote from my favorite science fiction show, Babylon 5, floated up from the depths of my brain. It used to be a favorite quote of mine, I'd always loved the idea of creation that it conjured. It was a place of beauty and peace. I hadn't thought about that quote for a long, long time. In the show the captain of the space station is talking to a technomage, a person who does magic with technology. The quote goes like this:

Elric(technomage),"We are dreamers, shapers, singers, and makers. We study the mysteries of laser and circuit, crystal and scanner, holographic demons and invocations of equations. These are the tools we employ and we know many things."
Sheridan,(captain) " Such as."
Elric, "The true secrets, the important things, 14 words to make someone fall in love with you forever. 7 words to make them go without pain or say good-bye to a friend who is dying. How to be poor. How to be rich. How to rediscover dreams when the world has stolen them."

We are dreamers, shapers, singers, and makers......it calls to mind the way Tolkien opened up the Silmarillion with a creation story of the Gods singing the world into being. Each and every person can sing their own world into being. We aren't Gods but we have been given the gift of creation and truely the only thing that can limit us is our own creativity. And if many put thier minds to something it can happen, look what we acomplished. We elected the first Black president. Look what we have acomplished. Dreamers, shapers, singers and makers.....THAT is what is inside each of us. We only have to choose, lets hope we choose correctly.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Happy MLK day

You should watch this its a great song, I don't really like the images that go with the song but its the best quality I could find.


Yeah, I'm hopped up on extra strength excedrin because I had a badass headache and can't sit still long enough to focus to write anything of merit. Small body + 2 extra strength excedrin = Caffeine high

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Every little bit helps

I thought about this just as I was going to bed last night. In these trying times where we are all doing our best to save our money charities are getting shafted. But there are still ways to help that don't cost us a penny. Click to donate sites. You, free of charge (except what it costs to keep your computer and internet running) click on these little buttons and certain companies donate a small amount (it really is itty bitty) of money to that charity. Personally I think this idea is awesome. Here is one click to donate site that has compiled a whole lot of them in one place.


And while we are talking about such things why not donate money to charities you specify while you search for things online?


In this way you don't have to feel bad that you didn't give money to whoever this year because you are still helping.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I found a use for winter!

This is a thought I had a few days ago about saving electricity/money. In the winter why not just put your frozen things outside, they'll stay just as cold...possibly colder. You might even put the things in your fridge out there....that might be a bad idea. But if your family is anything like mine you have a huge freezer someplace that is full of stuff that no one eats and some turkeys that have been in there for a very....very long time. Putting that stuff in a container outside would save you and the environment a bit of hassle. Just a thought.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Plant Post!!!

well, my tomatoes survived break a little more then worse for wear and the impatient dumpster plant is still hanging in there by a few fingers. Everything is looking a bit ragged (I keep telling them just a few more months and I'll be able to put them outside in the warm sunshine) except for the still un-named batch of bulbs that are sticking up single pokey leaf like things. I have 3 amarylises now. My first has a mold problem on its leaves so its only growing a flower this year, and probably won't flower next year, if it lives. The second one looks like it won't flower this year and my new one hardly has its leaves poking out of the bulb and its already growing a flower.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Lets not do depressing things today

I had this article all ready for your viewing pleasure (or something) about how autism is on the rise and is being linked to infant exposure to pesticides, and house cleaners and viruses and other toxic crap like that but I'd rather not talk about that today, so I think I'll do that book review I was planning on.

The book is called Food Not Lawns: How to turn your yard into a garden and your neighborhood into a community by Heather Coburn Flores. I saw this book in borders in the gardening section and mentioned it to my mom and *poof* it was under the christmas tree. But really it was a great book. (of course my father didn't let me get 6 pages into it before he tried debating with me how not everyone can grow thier own food, and kept trying to debate with me after I told him that I hadn't even gotten through the 6th page yet) There was alot of thing about gardening and how to fill a garden space (I mean really fill it by using plants that will work together to help eachother grow. ex) 3 sisters corn, beans, squash) but also alot of other interesting ways to lower your carbon footprint and reusing water from showers and sinks for different purposes, as well as ways to bring your neighbors closer together. There were a few things that I wasn't quite sure really fell in with the conserving water ideas that she spoke of now and then but all in all it was a very interesting book and I think I will try some of her ideas. The title was a little misleading because it really was packed with more then just community garden information. I also really liked that the back of the book was packed with resources as well as footnotes where you can read more about certain subjects. I really feel like I got more information then I payed for in some ways.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

And here we go one more time around the wheel

Recently I have been reading many books that all say the same thing about cycles. "they are more like spirals" because every time they come back to the original spot the cycle is a little different. And I am begging to agree. I've started my last 2nd semester of school and it is much the same as every other time I've done it. I'm older, the classes are different but it always follows the same routine: get schedule, find the classroom, get a seat, get a syllabus and go through it, have some lecture time before class is over. For a while I could intellectually understand why they said this but I never really agreed with it (maybe I just hadn't thought about it hard enough). So now I agree....(and really wish someone would come open up the co-op cause I'm starving my ass off).

I have a few new ideas for things to talk about on different days, one of them being astrology (it will depend on if I have time to learn things myself), I may or may not have a cooking shift this semester hopefully I'll find out by next week. I might also try and talk about tarot cards, maybe pull a card a week (it will aid in my learning of my own deck that I've had for at least 3 or 4 years and still don't know). We shall see. All will get sorted out in the fullness of time (which could be a really long time from now)

Monday, January 12, 2009

Oh mercury retrograde.....

yeah, mercury is in retrograde and is making my life rather frustrating.

Got this off a astrology on the web and as I am technologically challenged and can't figure out how to link things properly I'll just put up the bit I found really interesting: At 16:45 UT (Universal Time), on Sunday, January 11th, 2009, Mercury the cosmic trickster turns retrograde in Aquarius, the sign of the Water-Bearer, sending communications, travel, appointments, mail and the www into a general snarlup! Since this is the day of the potent Full Moon in Cancer, people's emotions will be on high alert! The retro period begins a few days before the actual turning point (as Mercury slows). In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially people who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves. Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

That sounds like my weekend and today....especially that emotions on high alert and mail going wonky bit. No matter what anyone says about the horoscopes being off because of planetary shift and such I am totally and irrevocably a cancer and I appologize for it. It was a bad weekend.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Late night super fast musings

I always forget what I want to talk about on here if I don't write it down right away. I've have a few great ideas over break....and then promptly forgot them. I had a thought while I was at work today though, stemmed partly from Twilight (great books....movies are very close to them which makes me happy). In this one scene Bella (the main character/damsel in distress) and Edward (main vampire character who saves Bella every 5 seconds) were talking and he says to Bella, something along the lines of you don't see yourself clearly. Of course, the boy is blinded by love but that phrase still sent my brain wandering (work is boring and very condusive to brain wanderings). Everyone has a skewed view of themselves, no one sees themselves clearly. And I began to wonder how/where my view of myself is skewed and what other people actually see in me. I am a fairly quiet and shy person (probably viewed by those who don't know me as downright anti-socialness) unless you put me in a room with a bunch of my friends, I don't talk unless I have something to add to a conversation, I love to dance but don't do it often (do it rarely would be more accurate), nor do I have any strong desire to work REALLY hard at making myself up and looking amazing (I don't dress to impress just anyone....if I do it, it is to impress a specific someone now and again) I am a submissive by nature and cringe at leadership type things. I am comfortable with how I am. It has been pointed out to me that this combination of traits shows itself as low confidence (yes I have a hard time beliving I am pretty, what girl doesn't? Blame society!). Yes, this is what I think about when I file papers....among other things.

What do others see when they see/know you? (not what you think they see, what do they REALLY see?) In ways that is more you the the warped bendy carnival mirror we look at ourselves through (only look through the eyes of people you know for this or you might see yourself worse then you already do)

By next week I should be back to regular schedule with a few post schedule modifications

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Ok so I'm bad when I'm on break

Work and visiting friends I hardly ever see distract me. But I have two things today to chat about. 1) is the fact that the trail mix I got for Christmas came from Walmart. Dad thought it was funny because I hate Walmart and WILL NOT shop there. There is something very wrong with buying a person a present from a place they hate for moral reasons. That would be like buying him pagan stuff. But I digress.

For those of you who prefer tasty organic veggie foods I have scary news for you. We might still be getting those antibiotics they put in farm animals through use of manure as fertilizer.


Oh what a messed up world we live in.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Its no wonder the Solstice is a big deal

It got dark around 5:30 today. There is nothing, I mean NOTHING, better then seeing the days lengthen during the winter months. That little reminder that it won't stay cold forever. It will only seem like forever before the spring and summer come. It gives hope to those of us who grudgingly aknowlege that it is part of nature and it is a great demonstration of the cycle of life/death/rebirth and therefore maybe has some value and we can learn something from it.....maybe. As long as we don't die of cold or cold season first.