Sunday, August 16, 2009

Searching for my muse

I haven't written on here in some time. I've been terribly uninspired for awhile. I'm done with school and am at a loss for what to do now. Find a job (well obviously) sounds like such a simple thing. But with the way the economy is around here there isn't a whole lot around. Its gotten to the point where I just can't even make myself look for jobs anymore. I can't get my butt in gear to get anything done really. And part of it is I just don't care. That sounds terrible but there it is. somehow none of it seems important to me. It took me about a week to send out a school book someone bought from me, all the while it sat on my bed with the address yelling send me already!!!! I feel like for as long as I can remember I've been going down this river and as I got closer to the end of college the river moved faster and faster and faster until I was flung off the cliff and over the waterfall and now I'm caught in all the little currents going this way and that way and just floating around in circles. I know that the only way to get down to the next river is to swim and push through the currents but then here comes the I don't really care part. And maybe its not that I don't care, because I do care it frustrates me that I am living back at my parents house (when I'm not at my fiancee's house) with an almost job that doesn't even bring in $200 a month (if they actually get around to paying me). I am still awed by the idea that I don't have to go to school at the end of this month and it confuses me and I keep saying to myself well what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Maybe I'm just still disoriented from falling down the waterfall. I'm thinking about hitting up the local pagan shop for some greatly needed tarot consulting from a professional becasue as suspicious as I am of people who aren't me or my friends with our respective decks, I know that the lady who runs the place wouldn't fuck us all (her loving customers) over for some money. And I need a big cosmic neon arrow to point me in the direction I should go. Preferably one that points directly to the place (with no doubt that thats the one they mean) that would suit me well as thier newest employee.

On a lighter note, I went to see my grandma and we had a pretty nice time. We were civil, she liked my engagement ring, she let me have a cutting of her christmas cactus for me to take home I just have to pot it. All in all a pretty good visit (and that is saying something).

Well, hope everyone is doing well. Brightest blessings and great big hugs.

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