Lots of personal/potentially akward stuffs in this one. Read at your own peril!!!
I am wierd. I don't follow mainstream logic in many ways. I don't think there is anything wrong with my body (true I'm not happy that my boobs are a bit more dangly but that isn't wrong, that my dears is nature). I am a Masochist/submissive. I've been told I act more confident after my boy indulges me in a "beating". Now and then I like to be treated like a little girl again. I still love to color. I think vultures and oppossums are cute. I belive in magic and the divine presence of a good and loving Goddess who is also amazingly badass as well as a strong and caring God who loves you even if you do bad stuff. I don't eat meat. I am not "normal". Many would label me wierd, freak, crazy, sick etc. And guess what. I'm pretty cool with that.
It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point. I am only now seeing myself as maybe pretty. As a child I thought I was ugly and gross. I had zero confidence in myself or anything I did. Now, I'm still shy but not nearly as shy as I once was. I would like to think I have more confidence in myself and i think others would agree with me. As I discovered my masochist nature I struggled a great deal with thinking I was one sick puppy. But then it dawned on me, no one was getting hurt but me if I was getting "beat" on and I was enjoying it so it couldn't really be thought of as being hurt, could it? At that point I decided I wouldn't question myself nearly as much about the things I liked.
A very good friend of mine told me I was Sick the other day because I'm a masochist. Though what I heard was HOLY CRAP WHATS WRONG WITH YOU. I understand that I suprised him and maybe I shouldn't have just dropped it on him like that but he was curious why I had not been sitting right (i got my ass "beat on" it was great, hurt like the dickens but I loved it). Despite all these things It hurt a whole lot to hear that from him, one of my best friends who I have known for 8 years. Another friend of mine who just cannot grasp the mentality of being a masochist and submissive told me he was worried about me. I began to worry that maybe I was really fucked up. I had a few chats with people and it comforted me a great deal to know that I am not the only person who at times wonders if they are a little on the messed up side. I was also told that I am not sick by a few friends who have more of an understanding of these things. I had realized I had fallen off the I love myself wagon when I began trying to justify my own actions to myself. Questioning yourself isn't a bad thing, we can even grow from it, but teling yourself you're a freak for doing something and then continuing to do it just isn't helpful. It leaves you feeling ashamed and embarrassed if anyone ever finds out about your secret. And then embarrassed that you have this secret at all. its a horrible circle.
I find it so frustrating that we spend our whole lives working on self love. Where has the human race gone wrong that we have to work so hard to love ourselves? Look at those things in your life and ask who is being hurt by them? If its just you being hurt (and your not like me and are enjoying said hurt) change it. It will be difficult at first. But know, there are so many others out there who have similar problems and really no matter how alone you feel in this one problem. You are not alone. If there is no one being hurt by it, accept this as part of yourself. Understand that you might be wierd for liking it but since no one is hurt by it, who cares. You can't love what you think is wierd and fucked up.
I am wierd, a freak, sick, and maybe a little crazy. I know this and love myself for it.
Wordless Wednesday - Winter Light
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