A rant on social stupidity

Its interesting when you think about the person you are and think back on how you became that person. The way I see myself, I didn't become anything until high school. I was pretty much a quiet little social drone. Then I became an angry punk, a rebel and Davey Havok was pretty much my role model. An intellectual, intelligent musician who spoke on what he believed. There were a myriad of other punk bands that were politically outspoken that I adored partly because of their anger and partly because I agreed with what they were saying. Then I went to college and joined the veggie co-op and moved from angry punk/rebel to being pretty much a hippie kinda feminist, still a rebel but less angry. This time is where I really came to feel the religion I had chosen for myself. And now I've graduated from college. I'm not sure I'm really a rebel anymore. I love peace, harmony, veggies, animals, and lots of other things but I find myself worried less about the needing to change the world. I want this world to be a better place once I've left it, and that will never change but I find myself worried more about making my own life. I'm engaged, half living in my fiancee's shitty apt that will never ever ever be clean and half at my parents house where I am still treated like a child. I find myself rebeling in small ways (I thought I was out of that phase of my life) like keeping my parents out of the loop on my health (except when everyone tells me 'you need to tell your parents about this'). I'm still very much a feminist in the sense that I refuse to wear slutty clothes to work just so drunk males in thier 30s and 40s can look at my tits and ass and tip me better cause its all out there for them to see. NO. They will tip me because I am good at my job. I bring them their drinks quickly and smile and check and see if they need more often. I was talking to a friend of mine about this local band that has this chick singer who wears pretty much nothing. And that annoys me because they do well and we all know they do well because shes up there singing with almost no clothes on. And I can't stand that society perpetuates this. And I can't stand that females allow it to be perpetuated. I understand sex = attention and attention = YAY. But really now. This next thing I say will sound terrible and I hope no one takes offense. It seems to me that only the "ugly" girls feel this way. By ugly I mean the quiet ones, the bookish ones, the fat ones, the unsporty klutzy ones. And you have to be stupid to be pretty. I am one of the "ugly" girls who recognizes she is attractive but who chooses not to wear "cute clothes" because I do not want to be seen for my body (and it is too much of a damn waste of my time to try and make myself up cute). I have had men blatantly stare at my chest and ass while at work and could do little aside from walk away (while wanting to hit him repeatedly in the face with my tray) while wearing my "bar clothes" and the more I work there the more I just don't want to even try to look cute but its part of the ambiance of the place. Big dudes at the door cute skinny chicks at the bar and running around to get your drinks. I have become a decoration?!!!!! And my only reason for all of this degradation....I can pay for my car, I needed another job. And I find myself disgusted with myself.....I really feel like I have gone the completely wrong way and demolished my own moral code of conduct. OK slightly dramatic right there but I've really pissed myself off with this rant which really wasn't the intent of the post but I followed my thought process to its conclusion. The intent was to plug this video of a singer I really like doing a spoken word poem that made me think about my own origins. Here it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaEXJ0PltZM

Bad Pagan yet again

So I just realized it is the equinox.....oops. I realize this as I am sipping the world's best cider (in my opinion at least). Well, I was planning to take a walk today anyways. Anyways Happy Equinox, do something nature-y today.

Searching for my muse

I haven't written on here in some time. I've been terribly uninspired for awhile. I'm done with school and am at a loss for what to do now. Find a job (well obviously) sounds like such a simple thing. But with the way the economy is around here there isn't a whole lot around. Its gotten to the point where I just can't even make myself look for jobs anymore. I can't get my butt in gear to get anything done really. And part of it is I just don't care. That sounds terrible but there it is. somehow none of it seems important to me. It took me about a week to send out a school book someone bought from me, all the while it sat on my bed with the address yelling send me already!!!! I feel like for as long as I can remember I've been going down this river and as I got closer to the end of college the river moved faster and faster and faster until I was flung off the cliff and over the waterfall and now I'm caught in all the little currents going this way and that way and just floating around in circles. I know that the only way to get down to the next river is to swim and push through the currents but then here comes the I don't really care part. And maybe its not that I don't care, because I do care it frustrates me that I am living back at my parents house (when I'm not at my fiancee's house) with an almost job that doesn't even bring in $200 a month (if they actually get around to paying me). I am still awed by the idea that I don't have to go to school at the end of this month and it confuses me and I keep saying to myself well what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Maybe I'm just still disoriented from falling down the waterfall. I'm thinking about hitting up the local pagan shop for some greatly needed tarot consulting from a professional becasue as suspicious as I am of people who aren't me or my friends with our respective decks, I know that the lady who runs the place wouldn't fuck us all (her loving customers) over for some money. And I need a big cosmic neon arrow to point me in the direction I should go. Preferably one that points directly to the place (with no doubt that thats the one they mean) that would suit me well as thier newest employee.

On a lighter note, I went to see my grandma and we had a pretty nice time. We were civil, she liked my engagement ring, she let me have a cutting of her christmas cactus for me to take home I just have to pot it. All in all a pretty good visit (and that is saying something).

Well, hope everyone is doing well. Brightest blessings and great big hugs.

Evening walks to clear the mind work wonders

So there has been lots of things going on. Lots of changes and craziness and lack of anything important in my head to write about. Well, more like at a total loss for anything to write about. I started a couple of posts only to delete the whole thing in the middle of writing and then stare at the screen dumbly. I figured today was a good day to post because my usual sunday posts are fairly easy. Pull card and write (I've been needing to consult the cards anyway)

The Page of Shields. A tenacious reliable person. One who resists any distractions when in pursuit of a goal. A serious scholar with great self discipline. A hunger for knowlege. A dedicated student. One who exhibits a keen buisness sense. An honourable, courageous person who does his or her best to help others. A messenger with good news (a job pretty please??!!!!)

well....it sounds like good things are in store though I'm not really sure who/what the cards are pointing to currently.

I got to make strawberry jelly!!!

My boy was flabbergasted that I had never gone strawberry picking. I had told him we had strawberries in my garden when I was little but I don't really rememeber it. Last week he says to me the strawberry field near my house is open lets go pick strawberries. I thought it was really sweet that he took me cause he is rather sensitive to the sun and hates bugs.

There is something so perfect about a strawberry eaten just after picking. They are warm from the sun and so wonderfully sweet, nothing beats it in the fruit world.

We picked a whole quart of strawberries. All of which I got to take home (minus the ones we ate while at his house). I made jelly out of some and its soooo tasty, although a bit runny (ok I helped make). And on Monday or Sunday night I'm going to make a pie that alot of the rest will go on top of. Oh yeah and for the record frozen strawberries in leu of ice is AMAZING and I love whoever thought of the idea.

The Great Art of Loving and Accepting Ones Self

Lots of personal/potentially akward stuffs in this one. Read at your own peril!!!

I am wierd. I don't follow mainstream logic in many ways. I don't think there is anything wrong with my body (true I'm not happy that my boobs are a bit more dangly but that isn't wrong, that my dears is nature). I am a Masochist/submissive. I've been told I act more confident after my boy indulges me in a "beating". Now and then I like to be treated like a little girl again. I still love to color. I think vultures and oppossums are cute. I belive in magic and the divine presence of a good and loving Goddess who is also amazingly badass as well as a strong and caring God who loves you even if you do bad stuff. I don't eat meat. I am not "normal". Many would label me wierd, freak, crazy, sick etc. And guess what. I'm pretty cool with that.

It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point. I am only now seeing myself as maybe pretty. As a child I thought I was ugly and gross. I had zero confidence in myself or anything I did. Now, I'm still shy but not nearly as shy as I once was. I would like to think I have more confidence in myself and i think others would agree with me. As I discovered my masochist nature I struggled a great deal with thinking I was one sick puppy. But then it dawned on me, no one was getting hurt but me if I was getting "beat" on and I was enjoying it so it couldn't really be thought of as being hurt, could it? At that point I decided I wouldn't question myself nearly as much about the things I liked.

A very good friend of mine told me I was Sick the other day because I'm a masochist. Though what I heard was HOLY CRAP WHATS WRONG WITH YOU. I understand that I suprised him and maybe I shouldn't have just dropped it on him like that but he was curious why I had not been sitting right (i got my ass "beat on" it was great, hurt like the dickens but I loved it). Despite all these things It hurt a whole lot to hear that from him, one of my best friends who I have known for 8 years. Another friend of mine who just cannot grasp the mentality of being a masochist and submissive told me he was worried about me. I began to worry that maybe I was really fucked up. I had a few chats with people and it comforted me a great deal to know that I am not the only person who at times wonders if they are a little on the messed up side. I was also told that I am not sick by a few friends who have more of an understanding of these things. I had realized I had fallen off the I love myself wagon when I began trying to justify my own actions to myself. Questioning yourself isn't a bad thing, we can even grow from it, but teling yourself you're a freak for doing something and then continuing to do it just isn't helpful. It leaves you feeling ashamed and embarrassed if anyone ever finds out about your secret. And then embarrassed that you have this secret at all. its a horrible circle.

I find it so frustrating that we spend our whole lives working on self love. Where has the human race gone wrong that we have to work so hard to love ourselves? Look at those things in your life and ask who is being hurt by them? If its just you being hurt (and your not like me and are enjoying said hurt) change it. It will be difficult at first. But know, there are so many others out there who have similar problems and really no matter how alone you feel in this one problem. You are not alone. If there is no one being hurt by it, accept this as part of yourself. Understand that you might be wierd for liking it but since no one is hurt by it, who cares. You can't love what you think is wierd and fucked up.

I am wierd, a freak, sick, and maybe a little crazy. I know this and love myself for it.

This needed its own post

The last post, yeah, the one I just wrote is why I started this whole bit of silliness in my life. It was supposed to be a journey of self discovery and a place where I can put my ideas into coherent form and a place to remind myself and other of thier own sacredness. I am glad to see that I have somehow brought it back to that, and really without too much effort. I got lost somewhere along the way but I think I have things back on track.

Brightest blessings and a lovely full moon (almost) to light your way