Friday, October 10, 2008

no cooking today

I'm not cooking in the co op today because I am at my parents house watching my sibling, and because I don't have class on fridays I decided not to go in. I emailed people to ask to take my shift but no one I am probably getting written up *shrug* whatever. I could talk about what I made for dinner last night which was nothing at all special (leftover peas, leftover broccoli, can of beans, can of tomatoes with oregano, garlic and something seasonings all mixed together. And old baked apple and tater tots. Terribly inspiring I know) I thought I would talk about filial obligation instead today as more of a rant at myself for being a bad daughter, but I also just had an interesting thought reading Dianne sylvan's latest blog at dancing down the moon. So I think I will talk about both so if you don't mind this will be a rather long post.....sorry.

Ok so filial obligation. I find myself being rather hypocritcal and am rather mad at myself for it. Now I don't mean we have to bow down and say "yes honored parents you are right I should marry this dude I have never met in my life before and go to the shcool you want me to ect" HECK NO but, we as children of our parents do have certain obligations like helping out when they say "hey daughter come watch your sister so we can go to a funeral for someone on your father's side of the family all the way in New York" I should say sure! But did I? No, no I bitched and moaned and then did it while still bitching and moaning. Parents do deserve respect, even if we disagree with them. And grandparents Lord and Lady *burries face in hands* I'm going to have to call my mom's mom after this just so I am less of a hypocrite. She called last night and sibling and I pretended we weren't at home. I don't like this woman she is stuck in WW2 era and won't come out. If you aren't doing it her way then you are wrong and need to change, same way with my dad which is why he bugs me so much. I was told by the boy that I should stop being so passive around her and yell at her for telling me how I should act/dress/eat/religion (she doesn't know im pagan thinks I am a really really bad catholic/act towards my parents ect and that really is the mentality of the whole country. If an elder tells you something and you don't agree tell them to fuck the fuck off. But shes can't say that shit to grandma! yknow??? You don't do that to grandparents, and really you shouldn't do it to parents either (though somehow it is an excepted thing to do). I mean yes, I do have my own stuff to do and I fall into a routine and get bent out of shape when the routine gets run over by something but I should have been more happy to help, even if I wanted to go to the funeral myself instead of keep an eye on sibling (who i mostly old enough to take care of herself)...which I did. Parents take care of you and make alot of sacrifices for you (look at it economically, yes in this country schooling isn't as expensive as some other places but food expenses, clothes, toys all money they could have spent on fun adult things/bettering thier lives with things they needed, they could have a crap ton more money if they didn't have a child) I'm not going to go into the whole crap about them wanting to bring you into the world because they wanted you and all cause as nice as that is...doesn't matter you can want a puppy and then when it gets older go oh shit, and take it to the pound (not that you should do that) but when we get older they go oh shit...what do we do with it now (refering to the baby they wanted). I'm not saying you have to buy them an amazing estate when you get a job and have money but parents and grandparents deserve to be taken care of and taken seriously and not ignored like annoying stray animals (I'm really going to have to call her now). So yeah, we need to respect our elders hellova lot more than we do and be nicer to them and help out without complaining about our busy schedule because they bent over backwards to take you to piano lessons, and sleep overs and all that.

Ok thought that was provoked by latest post from dancing down the moon. My summer was rather sucky, I had some stressful moments that led to panic attacks....though they weren't as bad as panic attacks as most people think of them but they were pretty completely not awesome and would leave me shaking and hyperventilating and my heart hammering in my chest and my brain a whirlwind in my skull. This happened most of the summer at least 1 time every week...maybe every 2 weeks and went into the school year (hey haven't had one this month!!!) until I settled back into the school routine. I had a particularly bad one last month though after I had a "party" and only my good friends from campus showed up and most didn't stay long, the next day after eveyone had left and it was night things got interesting and I ended up dredging up every single bad thing that happened that summer to a friend of mine over IM (he doesn't read this but I'll thank him anyway along with thanking a good friend of mine who is in oxford right now who also listened to me that night) Anyway so the thought provoked is as follows: This is my last year at school and I'm going to have to be all growed up by the end of the year and I think, this summer was the Gods reminding me that (or that I already am all growed up) by throwing a bunch of scary things at me (however most of the scary things are only in my head like finding a job, and apt and the like) at the time I lost pretty much all faith in the Gods and were convinced that they were mean spirited just wanted to fuck with me. Now I'm not saying the Gods don't make us trip and fall now and again but I don't really think its to sit there with all the other Gods and go "heeee watch this one HAHAHAHH did you see that shes sitting there at her computer crying her eyes out now. Oh I am so horrible! HEEEE." Usually its for our own good and to teach us to grow up, stop acting like a pretentious prick, remind us of something (oh yeah love those cosmic 2x4s), prepare us for something thats coming, or something like that. And I think that in a way I was super childish sitting there being all "the Gods are so mean *pouts*" During said mondo freakout online with guy friend who has the most beautiful faith in God I have ever seen in my life (I will talk about that sometime) he reminded me how devout of a pagan I used to be and maybe it was a test, and I think he was right but not necessarily right on the nail. He meant in a test of faith way where I don't think that is right. As a pagan you rarely hear the Gods testing your faith (thats more of a christian thing I think), that may happen while being tested but I feel like the tests are usually to show you where to clean up your life, what you can get rid of what you can't get rid of, where you have problems ect. Dianne sylvan writes when you decide to initiate yourself into something be ready for the ceiling to fall in on you (ok well thats the idea of it anyway) and I just realized june when it all started to suck guess what I did, I came out of the broom closet...esentially I went to the temple gates and screamed to the population around me that I was a follower of the Gods and I wasn't going to sneak in through the back door to worship anymore and they said "oh yeah? prove it." Maybe that is a test of faith......Every religion, school, culture has rites of passage maybe this was mine..... All I know is that my good friend was right about something, he told me it wouldn't get better until I started praying again essentially reaching out to them and saying I was ready to learn, better myself, not scream and pout and say its not fair you're too mean and grow the fuck up and learn to do things on my own (which I will have to be able to do being that I will be leaving school in may and turning into a grownup with a real job) which I am still working on but I'm getting there. The suckyness may have started a little before that time but I think I am right here, I think that it was rite of passage of sorts my last summer of "freedom" and boy oh boy there were some times I was rather free with myself. It was kind of funny though because at the end of the IM talk with my male friend he more or less ordered me to take a bath and relax which I didn't do in the end but proceeded to cry really hard on my bed and pray really hard (which he also told me to do) and I swear to you at the worst point of my tears (not kidding it was bad hyperventilating and coughing and feeling like i was going to puke i was crying so hard) I suddenly had this sense like I had my face burried in someone's lap, yeah I was curled up on my bed with my pillow folded all up under my head) but, it was like i was seeing it in my mind, me with my head on a womans lap and she just sitting there listening to my half gasping ramblings about how I couldn't do it. And I swear to you she smiled and said "of course you can" (hearing all this in my head mind you) and when I said there was no way she just kept up with the "you can do it, you have it in you" and we just talked and it was nuts and amazing and I was laying there with my head in my Goddess' flipping lap!!! Now I have had experiences where I've felt a loving, comforting presence but only when I am REALLY upset but never before have I felt like that. And I find as I explore my faith through this blog (things I haven't really written yet) I find I become more at peace with this horrible season called fall and seeing the beauty in it and I'm kind of excited to see what it brings about in the end.

1 comment:

just-one-me said...

that was beautiful babe.